Boundaries
As I sat in a patient room interviewing them another provider walks in and begins speaking to the patient. There are a variety of responses. My first and for a long time response was to say nothing. I told tell myself it was okay to interrupt me because they had fewer questions to ask. I would rage on the inside whenever this happened. That emotional discomfort you feel when situations are not sitting right needs to be used to let you know something is not right. It needs to be acknowledged and explored and then understood so changes can be made in your life. Over time, as I became a bit braver I then would say, Hi I’m Dr. Gutierrez from psychiatry. Their response would change very little they would say Hi, and then proceed to interrupt my assessment. After these slight infarctions and little episodes of disrespect, I would return to my co-works with anger. How dare they treat me so disrespectfully. They would agree. While my co-workers colluding made me feel heard and supported it did little to help me grow as a person. A better response that I plan to test the next time is courage. I want to practice introducing myself and with love and compassion requesting they return when I am done assessing the patient. I value myself and I want you to value yourself.
In life, we all want to be accepted. Many of us do not like to create conflict and prefer to avoid it at all costs. We all do things trying to make others like us. We all do things to fit in. At times we can try too hard. At times due to our desire to fit in, we fail to take proper responsibility for our actions and blame others or situations. Taking responsibility is more about us than about how others view us.
Work for me is a great place to challenge my boundaries. As well as how to maintain boundaries in a calm, assertive manner.
What are possible responses when boundaries are crossed?
Do nothing. Say nothing to the person who is crossing a boundary. Be silent.
Say nothing, but do something. This may look like making an obvious noise, staring at the person.
Say something. This can have a variety of responses.
Anger: “Didn’t you see me in here?”
Shy: “Sorry, I was speaking with the person.”
Calm, assertive: “Hi, I’m Doctor Gutierrez from psychiatry. I will be done in about 15 minutes. Do you mind coming back to speak with the person then?” This should be a brief discussion with the goal of finding a solution that works for both people.
The latter of the three responses would be the most mature response to give and the bravest. At times due to our feelings of not being worthy we will turn on the person we did not have the courage to speak to at the time. At times when we retell the incident, we will portray ourselves as the victim. Definition of Victimization from oxford dictionary: the action of singling someone out for unjust treatment.
I do want to make clear being abused verbally, emotionally, physically by another person is not okay. I do want to distinguish abuse that is used to control, harm, demean others from the type I am referencing here. This type of victimization is what a person does to themselves to hide their own shame. Life is full of moments where we are filled with emotional and physical discomfort. It is how we handle this discomfort that is the most important. I want to encourage you to spend time journaling a few questions.
When was the last time you failed to verbally stand up for yourself in a calm, assertive manner?
When was the last time you talked bad about or demeaned another individual when you were feeling less than self-confident in the interaction you had with another individual?
What could you have done or said that would have been brave and allowed you to calmly and assertively address the situation?
At times when I do fail, when I fall flat on my face in interactions with others. I find it easier to blame others or external sources rather than look at my own failings. It leads to me feeling bad about myself and at times questioning if others can see that I am as bad and inadequate as I feel. To prevent from feeling bad, uncomfortable I blame others. A lot of blame can be spread among others especially when others jump on the blame game with me.
I want to grow and I want you to grow. Growth occurs through being honest and being present with yourself. It is challenging but so important to speak respectfully of and toward others. Being respectful and courageous can lead to us no longer allowing ourselves to be a victim as a way of coping with difficult situations.
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