Boundaries To Set In A Relationship and 4 Destructive Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate
Have you ever gotten into a relationship, maybe with a friend or partner, and wondered what boundaries to set in a relationship? Boundaries are essential as they are vital ingredients to a healthy and long-lasting relationship.
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What are Boundaries In A Relationship?
Boundaries can be about the level of intimacy you want to allow in a relationship. Your maximum tolerance towards a behavior, habit, or lifestyle of the other person is considered part of your boundaries.
There are some things that you may say yes to, and there are some that you may not. Boundaries can be forgiving, strict, emotional, or physical (Selva, 2022).
Everyone has a level of tolerance towards certain things. Everyone has their unique limits. However, not everyone communicates this to their friends or partners. Or worse, some people feel they do not need boundaries.
Why are Boundaries Important?
Setting good boundaries is essential as it lets both parties know more about the relationship that they are getting into.
By setting limits, you and your friend or partner will also get to know each other more. It is healthy for a relationship to have boundaries while both agree to respect each other's limits and compromise if needed.
It is also a form of self-care to establish reasonable boundaries. Without it, you would feel more stress and start to notice a negative impact on your personal life. You might see an imbalance in responsibilities, conflict, and resentfulness (Scott, 2022).
Doing this early on may also lessen misunderstandings and regrets in the future. It gives both people the chance to decide whether or not they can tolerate certain habits or meet the other's expectations.
How Do You Establish Boundaries Early?
Establishing good boundaries early on is essential for a harmonious relationship. Here's how to do it (Selva, 2022):
Define Your Boundaries
Reflect on your limits, desires, goals, etc., because setting boundaries starts with you. Ask yourself what you want and how this affects you once you've established it. Would you be more satisfied? Would your relationship become healthier?
For example, knowing your priorities can help you tell your friend how often you want to hang out.
Communicate Your Boundaries
Clearly say what you want. After reflecting on your boundaries, it's time to let the other party know what you want. Being vague when it comes to limits can cause a lot of problems. It might seem ridiculous to put specific instructions on some things, but it will save you from resentment and stress in the long run.
For instance, you're a homebody, but your partner loves outdoor activities during their free time, and you don't want her to spend all weekend outside. You can tell your partner they can go out on Friday nights and Saturday mornings but not on Saturday nights and Sundays.
Make Your Boundaries Simple
"No" means "no." It is entirely up to you to say no to something you don't want to do. If you are uncomfortable doing something, it is unreasonable for someone to force you to.
For example, cuddling with a friend is okay for others. If you don't like doing this, you can say no, and your friend should respect your boundaries.
Set Consequences For Violating Your Boundaries
By doing this, you are proving that boundaries are essential to you. This doesn't mean to threaten the other person, but to say what is the legitimate cause of their actions, especially if it is a negative one.
For instance, cheating can have a variety of meanings for different people. If you consider liking someone else's post on Instagram as cheating, which causes you to feel insecure, tell your partner.
Where do you establish boundaries in relationships?
Time
How much bonding time is too much? How alone time do you need? Are you comfortable being away from your partner for an x amount of time?
Going out with your friends or having a movie marathon with your partner may seem lots of fun. However, there are other things that you may want to take care of, such as work, school, bonding with other people, or simply some time alone.
Expectations
What did you think of the other person before getting into the relationship? Did you expect to be completely transformed as a person? Did you expect a lifetime partner? A temporary acquaintance?
When meeting new people, we always have first impressions. We form expectations even when we don't expect to initially develop any relationship with them. It is better to say what you expect from the relationship early on to avoid misunderstandings or significant conflicts in the long run.
Privacy
Are you comfortable sharing your phone password with your partner? Are you okay with your friend spending time in your bedroom? Do you think letting the other person know about personal matters is inappropriate?
Getting into any kind of relationship means sharing parts of our lives with them, but this doesn't mean they need to know our every move and thought. Setting limits on what you are willing to share with the other person is your right.
Differences
Can you tolerate your differences in religious beliefs? Which activities do you prefer to avoid that the other person seems to enjoy? Are you a cat person or a dog person?
As humans, we are unique, from our values to our favorite color. In a relationship, these differences should be communicated to create harmony.
Other relationships
Are you okay with having the same circle of friends as your partner? Are you comfortable with your friend giving you relationship advice?
Just like with our thoughts and emotions, our other relationships don't have to be fully integrated with the other person. It is up to both of you to work out how close you want your other relationships to be with each other.
These questions give you ideas on what you can start with. Be brave to take the necessary steps and be guided in setting good boundaries.
4 Examples of Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries
Yes, boundaries are essential for a healthy relationship. However, it is also important to spot which ones are not, and to correct them.
Example 1: Not Dividing Household Chores
Megan gets frustrated that her boyfriend doesn't help with house chores. Instead, he lounges on the couch after they both come home from work and browses on social media for hours. Megan has spoken about this, but she wants to communicate again that doing every chore by herself puts her under too much stress.
Healthy: Megan asks her boyfriend firmly, "I need you to help me with the chores instead of scrolling through your phone because I get stressed if I do it all myself."
Unhealthy: Megan gently asks her boyfriend, "Is it okay for you to help with the chores?"
Being assertive might seem challenging, especially if it is not in your nature. However, in situations where you feel very uncomfortable, it is necessary to avoid the same stressful scenario in the future. Also, stating the effect of someone's action on you emphasizes why you are establishing these boundaries.
Example 2: Threatening to Break Off Relationship
Andre loves socializing and partying, especially during the weekends. However, her best friend is not a fan of big crowds and prefers movie marathons at her house as a way to destress after the work week. Donna wants to find a way to spend time with her best friend.
Healthy: Donna and her best friend find a way to compromise. They decide to both go to parties for just a while and spend the rest of the night at home, watching movies.
Unhealthy: Donna forces her best friend to go to parties with her and threatens to end their friendship if she doesn't follow.
Knowing and communicating your boundaries is a good thing. However, it is also important to remember that other people's wants and needs may differ from yours. In this case, compromise or sacrifice is vital, especially when it's for people you love.
Example 3: Invading Your Privacy
Roberta had relationships with unfaithful women in the past and wants her current girlfriend, Martha, to prove that she is faithful. Martha doesn't mind sharing her phone password with Roberta but isn't comfortable doing anything else.
Healthy: Roberta respects Martha’s privacy and trusts her to stay faithful.
Unhealthy: Roberta pushes Martha to constantly reassure her that she isn't cheating and resorts to secretive ways of invading Martha’s privacy, such as stalking if she refuses.
In this case, someone else's privacy should be respected. If your wants are incompatible with their boundaries, it's a good idea sometimes to rethink and compromise. This is better than disrespecting the other person or resorting to lies and secrets.
Example 4: Lying
D’Meke's friends constantly invite him to go out late at night, but he doesn't like doing this as much as he used to. His friends always pressure him to stay longer than he should, and this causes him stress and leaves him with less time for other matters.
Healthy: D’Meke tells his friends, "I don't want to go out with you guys anymore because you don't let me go back home whenever I want."
Unhealthy: D’Meke lies and says, "I have a checkup tomorrow morning, so I need to sleep early."
Lying to do what you want instead of saying the actual reason doesn't give you the full benefit of setting boundaries. In D’Meke’s case, saying what he doesn't like to his friends would be much better. This will make his friends realize that they are pushing his limits and hopefully stop forcing him to do something out of his comfort zone.
These are just examples to guide you through your journey towards establishing good boundaries. If you've noticed these unhealthy boundaries in your relationships, take time to work toward developing healthy ones.
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Citation:
Scott, E. (2022, May 28). How Setting Boundaries Can Help You Get Closer To People. Verywell Mind. Retrieved July 20, 2022, from https://www.verywellmind.com/boundaries-in-relationships-and-stress-3144984
Selva, J. B. (2022, June 20). How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 10 Examples + PDF Worksheets. PositivePsychology.Com. Retrieved July 19, 2022, from https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
The information provided through this blog is for educational and informational purposes only. By reading this blog, you agree not to use this as medical/psychiatric advice to treat any medical/psychiatric condition. By reading this blog it does not create a physician-patient relationship. Consult your own physician for any medical/psychiatric issues that you may be having. This entire disclaimer also applies to any guests or contributors to the blog. Under no circumstances shall Nicole Gutierrez MD, Kwinpax Behavioral Health PLLC, any guests or contributors to the blog, or any employees, associates, or affiliates of Kwinpax Behavioral Health PLLC be responsible for damages arising from the use of the blog.
