How can emotional invalidation affect you? One tip to help.
Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.
— Christopher Germer
Emotional Invalidation may be one reason you are living a life filled with anxiety. In this post, we will explore the following topics:
What does emotional invalidation look like in a fictional person named Mary?
What is Emotional Invalidation?
One thing you can do to help.
Are you suffering from anxiety?
Begin to Find Your Joy through Journaling
On her way home, Mary can’t help but think back on the morning’s events at work. She hears her boss’s words, “We decided to give the promotion to Jane.” She can recall smiling, nodding, and thanking him for letting her know. The rest of the day was busy. She did not allow herself to think about the missed promotion but instead threw herself into the day’s tasks.
Back in her car, she begins thinking, Why Jane? But her thoughts shift to her daughter as she yells, “Mom! Home!” Mary looks out the car window and sees her apartment complex; she doesn’t remember the drive home. She keeps busy the rest of the evening spending time with her husband, getting her daughter to bed, and getting herself ready for bed.
The next morning, Mary hurries to work. Her boss stops to check in with her. She feels her stomach begin to knott. As he talks, her mind can only think about one thing, Why’d you do it? She thinks back to the day he asked her to apply for the promotion. Before then, she had no intention of applying. You came to me! Was I not the front runner for the promotion? As he continues to stand in front of her speaking, she feels him pat her shoulder. She smiles and nods and he exits her office. Her phone rings and it is a co-worker. The day rushes by.
That night, Mary gets a text message from her boss. “I thought you were going to help Jane? She is really busy and does not need to worry about getting the vendors organized for the event.” Her chest tightens and she begins replaying the conversation she had with her boss earlier in the day. What did he say? What did I say? What did I agree to? She can feel her stomach hardening. She texts back, “I am definitely willing to help.” She listed a few things she would be able to do tomorrow and put her phone on silent.
Her husband enters the bedroom and asks if she wants to watch TV before bed. She shakes her head no. He suggests a new show he found that he thinks she may like. She replies, “No thanks. I’m tired.” As he exits the bedroom, she rolls on her side, and curls herself into the fetal position. For the first time since receiving the bad news, her eyes begin to tear as she lays in bed trying to fall asleep. However, her mind takes her to a past memory from her childhood.
She was with her mother and brother in the grocery store. She had asked for Captain Crunch cereal earlier in the day. Her mother had told her she could get some when they went grocery shopping. So, at the store while in the cereal aisle, she grabbed a box of her favorite cereal and put it in the cart. Her mother began yelling at her, telling her not to put things in the basket without talking to her about it first. Her mother then took the box out of the cart and put it on the shelf. Mary then grabbed the box and tried to put it back in the cart. Her mother replied, “No!” Mary tried to remind her mother about the earlier agreement, but she just became angry and told Mary she would not tolerate any backtalk. Then her brother asked for Cheerios. Her mother told him he could put a box in the basket. She tried again to tell her mother about the earlier conversation. Her mother retorted that children who misbehave, don’t get to choose the cereal.
What is Emotional Invalidation?
“One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.”
― John Lennon
Mary believes expressing her emotions has no useful purpose. She struggles with the thought, I am not good enough. This thought leads to her silence when her boss talks with her and when her husband talks with her. She also believes she is responsible for others’ emotions. So, she behaves in a manner that she believes will comfort those giving her bad news.
Validation is recognition or affirmation that a person, their feelings, or opinions are valid or worthwhile.
At times, a person will believe that they are not good enough. They will believe that their experiences don’t matter. They will struggle to know how to accept the emotions they are having. They do not express their emotions due to the perceived lack of validity. They work very hard to suppress their emotions. Other times, they may express an emotion they believe another person finds desirable.
Mary’s lack of validation leads to her emotionally pulling away from difficult situations. She denies her own emotions and instead tries to guess what emotion her boss would like for her to have. She then, like an actor, takes on that emotion as if it were her own. She further distracts herself from her negative emotions by keeping herself busy. When negative emotions arise, she pushes them away and focuses on her work and family. These behaviors prevent her from reaching out for support from her husband. She masks her process of emotional numbing by stating she feels tired.
These behaviors lead to her retreating into herself. Her true negative emotions exist only when it is quiet, when there is nothing to occupy her time or thoughts, and no one to distract her. This occurs in Mary's case on her drive home and at night when she attempts to fall asleep.
For Mary, this is a predictable cycle. She will experience an event that will trigger a negative emotion and will suppress it. She will wear a happy demeanor and work and live as if nothing is bothering her. At times, her negative emotions can intensify, making it harder to suppress and ignore them.
One thing you can do to help.
"We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are."
- Oprah Winfrey
This process of emotional invalidation is one of the causes of anxiety. If you struggle with emotional invalidation what can you do to begin to treat your anxiety?
First, begin by identifying the belittling and invalidating statements you tell yourself. Mary struggled with the negative beliefs, “I am not good enough” and “I am responsible for keeping others from feeling bad.”
The next step is to ask yourself, “Are these statements true?” It is important to think about the negative things you tell yourself. It is important to allow your mind to question is the negative thought true.
If you find yourself struggling with anxiety, and you think emotional invalidation may be contributing, I would like to help. You can schedule a free 15-minute consult by selecting the button below.
Are you suffering from anxiety?
Begin to Find Your Joy through Journaling
The information provided through this blog is for educational and informational purposes only. By reading this blog, you agree not to use this as medical/psychiatric advice to treat any medical/psychiatric condition. By reading this blog it does not create a physician-patient relationship. Consult your own physician for any medical/psychiatric issues that you may be having. This entire disclaimer also applies to any guests or contributors to the blog. Under no circumstances shall Nicole Gutierrez MD, Kwinpax Behavioral Health PLLC, any guests or contributors to the blog, or any employees, associates, or affiliates of Kwinpax Behavioral Health PLLC be responsible for damages arising from the use of the blog.
