Helping, but not Helpful.
“Love is not patronizing…”
-Mother Theresa
Everyone needs other people. A need can be expressed in healthy ways and in unhealthy ways. Below is an example of an unhealthy way to express needing to feel appreciation from another person.
At times your anxiety can get in the way of you saying how you feel. One way of interacting with others that gets in the way is codependency.
A grandmother wants to help her struggling granddaughter
Grandmother will support granddaughter giving unsolicited advice to her daughter
Grandmother feels appreciated and acknowledge
Daughter feels resentful
Let's give an example. An adult parent and adult child relationship were chosen due to the difficulty of navigating through these relationships.
Mary is a 30 something mother of 3 kids. Mary, her husband, and three kids go to her mom’s home for a holiday weekend. While Mary is sitting in the living room talking with her mom, they begin to talk about her youngest child who is behind in their speaking skills.
Her mother begins.”Well... Mary, I am worried about my grandchild.” Mary, unsure of what problem her mother wants to bring up about her grandchild, responds. “Oh?” Mary is already beginning to feel a bit unpleasant and a bit annoyed in anticipation of the conversation. She wants to be respectful of her mom’s opinions and advice but does not want to be lectured to. Grandmother states, “I am worried about the child speaking, when you were their age you were saying many more words.” Mary responds, “I was?” The conversation continues but as the grandmother speaks Mary respectfully gives short responses. Mary knows her mother is trying to help but feels resentful.
Relationships can be hard. Learning to communicate your authentic self is important. Sometimes when a person wants what is best for another they get lost in trying to change the person. Hello, codependency!!
When the grandmother tries to help her adult daughter it can be challenging for both of them.
This can be hard for the person helping because they feel obligated and justified. The grandmother can feel distressed and filled with negative emotions at the thought of the granddaughter not meeting developmental milestones. What is not seen is that giving advice to the daughter helps ease the grandmother's distress. This helping is not helpful for either person involved. The advice makes Mary feel frustrated and resentful. Due to the grandmother given advice rather than speaking about her worries about her grandchild the conversation is one that leads to distance rather than closeness. Mary responds not by asking questions or being engaged but passively. She respectfully ignores her mother until the conversation ends.
Many things can lead to you feeling stressed in a relationship. It is important to identify what could be making you feel anxious. Overstepping boundaries in order to be helpful, is not a secret form of love. Not clarifying boundaries is also not respectful toward a person’s true self.
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