How did an adult lose their true-self?

“ In order to realize our true self we must be willing to live without being dependent upon the opinion of others.”

- Bruce Lee

What is a persons’ authentic, true self? How can child-rearing impede a person’s ability to know themself? How does an adult wake up one day and feel lost?

Adulting is hard. Adults face many challenges in daily life. Some challenges are small and there is an automatic response. Such as responding to a hello from a stranger. Other decisions are large and complex. Such as buying a home, choosing a job. Adults are constant faced with decisions about what they should do? At times it can be challenging to make a decision. Decisions are based upon a person's emotions and thoughts. At times it can be difficult to acknowledge what is being experienced. This can lead to failure to accept a person’s thoughts and emotions about a situation. Why has a person given up something as valuable as their own emotions and thoughts?

The loss of a person’s true, authentic self can occur at any time in their life. I do believe it is most likely to occur in childhood.

Adults learned from past experiences to give over one of their most valuable assets. A person's true self. An authentic self is based on a person accepting their thoughts and emotions. It can be hard to accept what one thinks and feels. Parents/caregivers will celebrate a person for thinking in a way they agree with. Not realizing the great cost the person is bearing to do so. The child and eventual adult will have learned to live a false life. They have learned not to identify or acknowledge their own thoughts and emotions. They have rather learned to take on the thoughts and emotions of others. Which can lead to an adult struggling with self-direction and trusting themselves.

A child will forsake themselves for their caregiver. This can occur for different reasons. Every child is born with a unique set of traits known as temperaments. This blog will not detail the research on temperaments. Some temperaments are more similar or adaptable to the parent and caregiver needs. Others are less similar or more resistant to accepting other people’s opinions. This may occur more often in children whose temperaments are adaptable or empathetic. Empathetic children are better able to sense the parents'/caregiver's emotions. Adaptable children will easily adjust to the needs of what is going on around them. These children may suppress their own needs to be more agreeable to the parent/caregiver.

Parents will express their opinions to their children. Children will learn to have emotions or opinions that the parent's approve of. Being in tune with the caregiver makes the caregiver feel better. This leads to parents being less angry toward the child or less critical. This can lead to the child getting rewards. It could also be that the child will do this to prevent the parent from being sad or crying or distant. Children are dependent upon their parents and at times will do things to seek their approval.

Some children take on the opinions of their caregivers with little protest. Others are less agreeable and fight for their opinions. Some children through discipline are made to conform to the parent's will. This can occur through negative consequences. These can be punishments: spanking, time out, loss of objects, loss of privileges. It can also be emotional. A parent can withdrawal love from the child.

Becoming an authentic person is a journey of self-discovery. It is important for parents to allow a child to express themselves. Children through child-rearing can learn to be silent or silenced. They learn not to know their emotions and thoughts. As they move into adulthood, they can feel lost due to not knowing what they feel or think. They have lost their true self. To become their true self they must learn to first know their emotions and thoughts. They must accept them. They must learn to express themselves.

The information provided through this blog is for educational and informational purposes only. By reading this blog, you agree not to use this as medical/psychiatric advice to treat any medical/psychiatric condition. By reading this blog it does not create a physician-patient relationship. Consult your own physician for any medical/psychiatric issues that you may be having. This entire disclaimer also applies to any guests or contributors to the blog. Under no circumstances shall Nicole Gutierrez MD, Kwinpax Behavioral Health PLLC, any guests or contributors to the blog, or any employees, associates, or affiliates of Kwinpax Behavioral Health PLLC be responsible for damages arising from the use of the blog.