Narcissism and Getting Lost
Narcissists rewrite history to escape accountability. You are not crazy.
- www.notsalmon.com
I can recall getting off the phone in shock at work one day. My heart was racing, I was emotionally running away. I was calling to speak with a co-worker about my recommendation for a patient. As I began stating my recommendation I was met with a fierce no and brief jarring explanations as to why my recommendation will not occur. Thinking little about the tone of the response, I begin to counter with my reason as to why I was making my recommendation. I was met with a sharp and angry no then a brief explanation as to why this would not occur and then an insult which rocked me. “I have had an issue with you before.” This insult sent me back and made my heart begin to race and my mind wander. I am suddenly wondering what issue my co-worker is referring to. As I try my best to compose myself. I am able to ask what problem they are referencing. I am met with another angry reply about a past patient we had a disagreement about. By this time I have caught on to whom I am speaking. At this point, I am feeling as if I am three years old and being lectured by my mother. But his lecture feels not only as if I am being scolded for my professional recommendation, but a rebuke of me as a person. After such an insult I mustered all the courage I could to identify my co-worker’s comments like that of being angry to which the person quickly denied being angry and restated our difference in professional opinion and got off the phone.
Everyone has differences of opinions with others. This can be with partners, co-workers, kids, or friends. Relationships are supposed to be give and take. According to collinsdictionary.com, a relationship is the way people feel and behave toward each other. A relationship is built on trust. When things are going well in a person’s life they view their relationship as good. As humans, we crave to be with others. We want to be supported. We want to come to others and feel as if we are cared for. This can only be achieved through a balanced relationship where both people listen to other’s opinions and value what the other person says. When disagreements happen the action not the person is commented on and the person’s emotions are considered and monitored when speaking.
Interaction with a person who has a narcissistic personality disorder or trait can result in a poor and unbalanced relationship. One person will do what they can to take another person’s power by shaming them. I truly appreciate Brene’ Brown's definition of shame as you being a bad person. A person with narcissism will attempt to characterize you as stupid, less than, incompetent, ugly ect... When you feel bad about yourself it can become hard to trust your own opinions, instincts, and intuition. When you can not trust yourself you begin to acquiesce to what the other person says is the truth.
The other characteristic of narcissism is a person who lacks empathy for others. This essentially means they have little to no caring about other’s emotions, thoughts, opinions. This is coupled with entitlement and the belief in self-importance. This essentially boils down to interacting with a person who knows that they are right. Regardless if they are or are not. No matter how grey the truth maybe there is no grey to them, only right and wrong. When interacting with a person who has a narcissistic personality disorder you are always wrong.
The Greek Story of Echo and Narcissus.
Echo was a nymph who loved to talk. She had been cursed, “You shall still have the last word, but no power to speak first." Because of being cursed, she was only able to repeat what others told her. She fell in love with Narcissus who upon discovering her love for him, rejected her. She then went to the woods and hid. She then lived in caves and faded due to her grief. She eventually died from her grief and her bones became stone and her echo was all that was left. Due to cruelly rejecting Echo and other women he was cursed to fall in love with himself. He spent the rest of his life looking in a pond at his reflection until he passed.
This story illustrates some of the relationship features of people in relationships with individuals with a narcissistic personality disorder. The only way for an individual to be in a deep relationship with a person who is a narcissist is to lose their voice.
"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
In the above interaction, I will not provide an opinion on the personality make-up of the co-worker. They were using anger, shame to try and tell me my professional opinion is wrong and that they are right. Part of being happy is having satisfying relationships. What is hard in relationships is that there is no roadmap that says at what point you are giving away too much power. There are no flashing lights that say you have made a wrong turn and have gone in the wrong direction. But what happens when the other person in the relationship does not want to share power? Questions to think about:
How would you know if you truly had half of the power in the relationship?
What if they want some of your power? What things could they say or do to cause you to give up some of your power?
What will be your response to another person who tries to take your share of the power?
What would be your response if you sense that you are not being given half of the power?
The information provided through this blog is for educational and informational purposes only. By reading this blog, you agree not to use this as medical/psychiatric advice to treat any medical/psychiatric condition. By reading this blog it does not create a physician-patient relationship. Consult your own physician for any medical/psychiatric issues that you may be having. This entire disclaimer also applies to any guests or contributors to the blog. Under no circumstances shall Nicole Gutierrez MD, Kwinpax Behavioral Health PLLC, any guests or contributors to the blog, or any employees, associates, or affiliates of Kwinpax Behavioral Health PLLC be responsible for damages arising from the use of the blog.
