Why do we run from pain?
Why ????
I want to live my best life and inspire others to live their best life. I want to live the life I imagine for myself and my family. If we listen to our hearts, that little voice inside us knows the correct direction we should travel. At times I get stuck at the fork in the road. Looking down each path I get caught in indecision and frozen with what-ifs. I have dreams of how I can reach others. I can sense it in my soul. But then I begin to create and I begin to have self-doubt and thoughts of not being good enough. I begin to think about my shortcomings, the errors I will make, and what others will say about my work. This limitation is a work in progress. I cannot let its voice be the loudest in my head. I must not let it suppress my own heart and soul and I hope you will not allow it to stop your progress.
I do think at the end of the day this is the most important question. Why do we rise every day? Why do we venture off to work daily? Why do we feel pain? Why do we avoid emotional discomfort? Why do we need love? That is the purpose of this blog. I do want to encourage you to lift the bandaid and peer underneath at old wounds. I want to inspire you to live a life of awareness.
“Your ability to trust fuels your ability to love.” - unknown
This was written on a fortune cookie of a co-worker. Not to oversimplify life, but I am a believer that we are here to love others and be loved by others. I believe the reason we do what we do is for the people we love and the love we have for ourselves.
Taking a moment to explore the word trust. I think this word holds the secret to pain and the courage to move through it. Oxford dictionary defines trust as, “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” Oxford dictionary defines reliability as, “the quality of being trustworthy or of performing consistently well.” How trust is lost is best illustrated in Shakespeare's play. (Sorry for the old English throwback but the point is so important for us humans.)
“I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew's eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a Christian is? If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that. If a Jew wrongs a Christian, what is his humility? Revenge. If a Christian wrong a Jew, what should his sufferance be by Christian example? Why, revenge. The villainy you teach me I will execute, and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction.
He points out that every person is a person. Each person needs the same things and can be hurt by the same things. He reports when a person is injured by others he will respond by hurting others. He has lost trust in others by being mistreated by them and so will treat them as he has been treated. The mindset of, “An eye for an eye” is a scary way to live. I have seen this behavior in my own children and it scares me when I see it in myself.
“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” - M. K. Gandhi
Pain is a powerful punishment. This is why it works so well for stopping unwanted expressions of emotions and behaviors. When we feel shame for being ourself we stop learning to trust our emotions. We can stop learning to trust ourselves and others. We become superficial.
We learn to shield our pain and authentic self from others. We learn to behave in a way that we view as more appropriate. Sometimes this process occurs from parents or caretakers with the best intentions. Not showing disappointment when you don't achieve a goal so as not to upset your parent. Other times it comes from peers, siblings, parents due to spite, jealousy, anger. We are at times made fun of, talked down to, laughed at, and talked about. We can feel bad when expressing anything other than pleasurable emotions. Messages such as No pain no gain, big kids don’t cry, stop crying before I give you something to cry about, name-calling lead to suppression of emotions. Others can give well-intentioned advice that leads to further change in us. Getting feedback on our performance from a supervisor. At times all this shaping can lead to us feeling shame and embarrassment. None of this changes who we are or our emotions. It only changes how we express ourselves.
Over time we begin to lead a life that is shaped by others' opinions and expectations. It becomes challenging to find ourselves. At times emotions can become suppressed and difficult to recognize. It becomes hard to know how to express and experience them in a way that shows love to others and ourselves.
We become blind to our own and other's emotions. Which can lead to emotional numbing, explosive behaviors, and passive behaviors. We will do things to not feel emotions such as overeating, having sex, using drugs, watching TV, going to sleep. Built-up emotions will be released suddenly if not expressed over time. This can look like sudden anger, uncontrolled crying, physically running away. Sometimes emotions are expressed in hidden ways. Such as backhanded compliments, perfectionistic behaviors, or attention-seeking behaviors. Many times a day we experience pain. The goal is to learn to express ourselves in a calm, assertive, authentic manner.
“ Know thyself” - unknown
I have always loved the saying, “Know thyself.” Which is one of the three sayings written on The Temple of Apollo in ancient Greece. When I read these words I think about the patients I work with. I become curious about each individual's stories about how they became who they are today. We all need love to live. As we interact with others I am intrigued by how to seek out love from others. I am always interested in what people do when they feel pain and how they cope with it.
My imagination wants me and others to be perfect and do and say the correct things all the time. My realistic self knows this is absurd and feels a loss that it can never be so. I frequently recite the serenity prayer written by Reinhold Neibuhr, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” I do believe we are all doing our best. This is not a limiting belief but one of acceptance. It is important to work toward acceptance of ourselves and others. At the same time, we continue to strive for personal growth in the areas of our life.
I hope this blog can be a place to develop your courage to live an authentic, meaningful, love-filled life. I want to inspire you on your own personal journey to self-expression.
The information provided through this blog is for educational and informational purposes only. By reading this blog, you agree not to use this as medical/psychiatric advice to treat any medical/psychiatric condition. By reading this blog it does not create a physician-patient relationship. Consult your own physician for any medical/psychiatric issues that you may be having. This entire disclaimer also applies to any guests or contributors to the blog. Under no circumstances shall Nicole Gutierrez MD, Kwinpax Behavioral Health PLLC, any guests or contributors to the blog, or any employees, associates, or affiliates of Kwinpax Behavioral Health PLLC be responsible for damages arising from the use of the blog.
